RICHARD ORD: It's time politicians rubbed us up the right way!

Warm your hands and you've got my vote...

While I’m not entirely convinced the Tories can win the General Election, I’ve bought up a few shares in Werther’s Originals Plc, just in case they do.

Rishi Sunak has vowed to put a few extra quid in the pockets of pensioners if he’s elected, so the chances are the share price of Werther’s Butter Candies will rocket if he stays in power.

I can see it now, herds of OAPs flocking to their corner shops waving fivers above their heads to celebrate Sunak’s surprise victory with a family size bag of Werther’s. (‘Hell, let’s live a little… give me a bag of your sherbet lemons too.’)

If you’re thinking of some blue rinse investments, you may also want to check your Zimmer Frame portfolio and go hell for leather to buy up any spare stock in Tartan Shopping Trolleys ‘R’ Us while you’re at it.

To be fair, Rishi’s not just waving cash in the faces of OAPs for votes, his manifesto pledge saw his party spaffing cash in everyone’s direction.

Every tax would be cut. You name a tax, Rishi will cut it. Income tax, inheritance tax, tic tacs. They’re all getting cut. Anything with a tax in it. He doesn’t care. Even taxidermists are hoping to get a piece of the action. And why not? We may all end up being stuffed!

A lot of the Tory Party vote-grabbing manifesto was trailed in advance, but I wasn’t sure what was going to be aimed at me.

I’ll admit I was a little disappointed when the whole big Tory giveaway was revealed… I’d been hoping for a back rub. Now that would have been nice and may just have swayed my vote.

It wasn’t beyond possibility. I mean, they’ve promised the world. Some £17bn of cuts and still counting. I could see Rishi in my mind’s eye. Looking straight at the camera. ‘And today I pledge that all northern men in their fifties will receive a personal back rub from me. Oils, scented candles, the whole shebang. And before you ask, yes, it is all fully costed.’

But, alas, he didn’t have the courage. My voting intentions remain unswayed. (That noise you can hear is Count Binface letting out a sigh of relief. ‘Relax folks. We can still bank on Ord’s vote’).

Although, the ball is now in Sir Keir's court. If you want my vote, you know what to do… I just hope he has warm hands.